Keeping up with Bill

Esteemed BCMCA President Bill Yearwood, professional looking sprinter and time triallist, frequently awes race followers by arriving at races piloting his own helicopter. Bill as part of his high profile job with the Federal aviation safety board is required to get in a certain number of flying hours. When not dropping in by helicopter Bill turns up in a sporty Mini in which bikes and wheels are layered like a gourmet cake often accompanied by elegant female racer and cosmopolitan European style speed skater Conny Strub. This is a tough act to follow. Here are some suggestions.

1.Arrange for local priest to bless you and your bike before start. Double points for Bishop. Triple points for Cardinal or Prince Charles. Automatic overall season win if Pope (Queen Elizabeth, Barak Obama, or resurrected Princess Diana) is secured.

2.Drop in to race headquarters by parachute with race bike in camouflage pack.

3.Before bike warm up do Muhammad Ali skipping and sparring routine complete with dazzling leg shuffle. Soigneur holds robe with your name on it and has heavy punch bag for you to work on.

4.Arrive in limo with starlet. Latter positions herself on hill in provocative outfit cheering you on, and hands you glass of champagne at finish.

5.Ride in on Harley with race bike in trailer escorted by Hell’s Angels. Said Hell’s Angels prep your bike and give you pre-race massage before heading off to chalk your name on road and hurl menacing insults at riders they deem are not giving you a fair break.

6.Study photos of professional Classic sprint finishes. Get your head banging the bars, shoulders lower than bum, biceps pumped up, upper torso stretched out like a champion weightlifter. Blast off at 150 metres, surge in the last 30m with a second kick like a rodeo bronco.

7.Arrange for TV crew to interview mainly you at finish no matter who wins.

8.Have Sara Palin, TV evangelist, etc. denounce your racing style as un-American, against family values, bad for the economy, and displeasing to God.

9.For events close to water. Arrive standing in prow of boat rowed by 16 vestal virgins (check escort agencies) clad in shimmering purple and gold skinsuit and winged helmet. Arm mysteriously thrusts up from water holding aloft gleaming state of art racing machine which you accept.